Utopia Talk / Politics / OT - Political Jokes

Hot Rod Member	Sun Sep 26 06:10:06 Republican or Democrat? A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am,"replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am,"replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it's my fault."
Milton Bradley Member	Sun Sep 26 06:14:10 hahahaha! Thats so funny!
Milton Bradley Member	Sun Sep 26 06:15:27 please post some more email spam from newsmax!
Adolf Hitler Member	Sun Sep 26 06:31:59 "You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it's my fault." " This is fucking hilarious considering how your hero dumped a devastated economy and 2 wars in obamas lap and you were blaming Obama for it within days of his presidency, you fucking moron lol
BEST THERAD EVER Member	Sun Sep 26 07:53:27 BEST THREAD EVER AWARD GIVEN TO HOTROD FOR THIS THREAD: "BEST THREAD EVER"
Aeros Member	Sun Sep 26 08:06:33 We never say that Conservatives are stupid people. We are just saying that most stupid people are Conservative.
Hot Rod Member	Sun Sep 26 12:49:56 Colbert testifying before Congress as an expert witness. :)
Hot Rod Member	Sun Sep 26 13:50:15 Fucking liberals.
NeverWoods Member	Sun Sep 26 14:43:55 No worries, this is what the home and end keys where made for :)
NeverWoods Member	Sun Sep 26 14:46:54 on the joke 4/10. almost OK joke, which should mean a lot to you as most of your jokes are very bad.
DFGHIMUTAS Member	Sun Sep 26 14:54:02 hehehe...
Aeros Member	Sun Sep 26 18:20:56 Found a website devoted to political jokes. http://www.foxnews.com/
Hot Rod Member	Sun Sep 26 18:49:03 Yeah, they are always making fun of the stupid liberals.
Cloud Strife Member	Sun Sep 26 19:44:36 The original joke... 19. RIDING THE HOT AIR WAVE/PARTICLES Two Physicists were riding in a hot air balloon and were blown off course sailing over a mountain trail, and were completely lost. They spotted a jogger running on the trail and they shouted "Can you tell us where we are?" After a few minutes, the jogger yelled back "You're up in a balloon." One physicists said to the other, "Just our luck to run into a mathematician". "How do you know he was a mathematician?" asked the other. "Well, in the first place he took a long time to answer; second, his answer was 100% correct and third, ,it was totally useless."
Cloud Strife Member	Sun Sep 26 19:45:26 http://www.sonoma.edu/math/faculty/falbo/jokes.html Has the joke. It lacks the mathematician's retort, but it's fairly obvious.
Canadian Member	Sun Sep 26 21:15:56 Like Neverwoods I found it mildly amusing, though you could juxtapose the sides.
Hot Rod Member	Mon Sep 27 04:00:09 Learning from the Past... In 1923, Who Was...? 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 82 years later, history tells us what ultimately became of them. The Answers: 1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane. 3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself. 6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide. However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. So, what became of him? He played golf until he was 92, and died in 1999 at the ripe old age of 95! He was *very* financially secure at the time of his death. The moral here: Forget work. Play golf!
Hot Rod Member	Mon Sep 27 07:13:34 Not really a joke, but what do you think would happen if a UFO came to us and landed in Washington DC?
Honest Politician Member	Mon Sep 27 07:21:56 You would be quoting Glenn Beck and saying it's all Obamas fault it happened while we(actually, you) slept.
Hot Rod Member	Mon Sep 27 07:43:17 ^=Moron
Honest Politician Member	Mon Sep 27 08:45:28 ^=Senile
General Public Member	Mon Sep 27 10:35:13 Good news! The UN has it handled: http://www...s/story-e6frfku0-1225929498742 "UN to appoint Earth contact for aliens"
Hot Rod Member	Tue Sep 28 05:53:34 Pilots' Wisdom: Or Really Important Things To Know About Flying. 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. 3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. 4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. 7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky. 8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. 9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. 10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. 11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa. 12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. 13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. 14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made. 15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are. 16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them. 18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. 19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment. 21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. 22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. 23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal. 24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago. 25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
Firestorm Phoenix Member	Tue Sep 28 06:07:02 I imagine that some RAF boys from WWI and II may disagree with the last statement. Fie on 17. Airwolf was awesome.
Hot Rod Member	Wed Sep 29 06:21:07 The Pirate A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the sailor asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off". "Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?" "Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off." "Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch?" "A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."
Hot Rod Member	Thu Sep 30 05:38:59 Baseball... Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol ... Sol ..." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes, it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Hot Rod Member	Thu Sep 30 06:27:31 American's were asked, who is The Vice-President of The United States is? To Joe Biden's credit he responded, I know that one but can you give me a little hint?
Hot Rod Member	Thu Sep 30 06:28:23 *-who The Vice-President of The United States is?
saiko Member	Thu Sep 30 06:44:46 Go get your brother. You're having a stroke.
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